I have another problem.

I am losing all polarity.

• When I volunteer now I am in a warehouse like setting, a kind of 'hopeless' environment.
• I am losing all contact with everybody who is getting sick of me in my currently sick state, if I ask for help they cannot help me.
• I am doing less and less, I don't enjoy movies or anything really.
• I cannot talk to people about my problems anymore. Samaritans is stopping and people are sick of me and will not talk to me.
• Not really keeping these blogs going with new info.

The LoO specified that if you act without polarity gradually the opportunities for 'positive polarisation' go and you don't have the option.
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This is also happening with the girl. I could tell when I talked to her last. It was definitely not positively polarised and it definitely wasn't negatively polarised. It was in the dead centre.
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My thoughts is that I need to be negatively polarised a little to get a disease. I could easily just fall into a place where there is no hope.
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I could force myself into negative polarity and live a life without this girl always denying my real feelings of being in love with her and having to supress and manipulate more and more.